Mister Invisible

Mister Invisible




I’m sick and tired of it and I won’t take it anymore. I know I’m a small and dainty guy and hard to see but enough is enough. I used to like to go to “The Boys Farmers Market” with my wife for the sheer fun of seeing good merchandising. Alright, I’ll admit it; I like to graze as I walk around like the other mavens who sample all the goodies that are available for tasting. Heck, there are even some folks who go there to have a free lunch snacking on the samples.

More to the point I stopped going there last season because I was recuperating from a partially torn Achilles heel tendon and I was afraid of being banged into by some citizen pushing her wagon. I got into the habit of dragging my wagon behind me as I tried to navigate around the unorganized traffic flow. Last year when I still shopped there one
woman hit me not once , not twice , but three times in a row. I turned around and yelled at her. I bellowed ,
“Hit me with your wagon one more time and you will be wearing it over your head!” She screamed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
I told her to be careful, not sorry.
This year I have boycotted the place entirely. The parking lot is usually bedlam as well.

Recently I went with my wife to the new garden furniture in the shops of San Marco. I reluctantly walked with Paula to get the “one” (read nineteen) item she needed from Publix. Since it was a Saturday at about 2 o’clock in the afternoon I figured we can get in and out quickly. Paula turned a corner and here I was standing in an aisle all by myself when a matron came along and banged into me and looked at me as if I had three heads. She then said “oops”. I thought “oops “was something that Velma and Mama Morton sang about in the show “Chicago.” In the song “Whatever Happened to Class? They sang,

What happened to old values?
And good breeding
Now, no one even says “oops” when they’re
Passing their gas
Whatever happened to class?











So I held my nose and quickly moved away in case she was a Chicago aficionado and let one fly. I thought to myself, it seems she was supposed to say something like “I’m sorry” or “excuse me” or the like (at least for the bumping me part of the equation). I guess I would have said “Oh that’s o.k.” ( I have another ankle and/or more toes on the other side). But it’s not okay to get constantly run over by these denizens of the canned goods aisle. Slightly resentful I moved one aisle over to hide behind my wife when another roller derby queen banged into me. I’m telling you, we were the only ones in the aisle as well. She at least was a bit contrite.

I said to myself, “I’m out of here.” I will go super market shopping only if I have steel toed boots on. It’s not for the faint of heart. Going back to “Chicago” maybe I’m Mr. Cellophane and people look right through me. How embarrassing.

Recently I entered the clubhouse at my home base of Valencia Falls and was coming into the café through the rear screened door where three women were chatting. I said in “sotto voce”
“excuse me”
Then a little louder,
“EXCUSE ME! “
Then finally ,
“Excuse me means I want to get around you!”
They finally moved aside. When I sat down to eat my lunch a nice woman who I recognized from the morning water exercise class came over to me and said,
“Bernie, I know you are a nice guy but I was with some guest friends and you shook up one of my friends by admonishing her. She’s very nice too.
“Go make nice to her” she sweetly said.

Being a softy I asked her what her friends name was and then I walked over to her and said,
“Esther, I didn’t mean to yell at you, but I just wasn’t being heard and the three of you were blocking the entrance. I am sorry I took out on you, for something else that happened earlier on (all the sins of mankind, my ritual circumcision when I was eight days old was terrible, or was it the fall of Chunking during WW2), I sardonically thought. She smiled and said,
“No problem”
Her friend Barbara, my pool companion (who never spoke to me before this )smiled victoriously to her group.

Onward and forward we go. This should be everyone’s biggest problem.